"I will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day... because I have laid it all down... laid it down where the ground is level. Where everything means nothing... where the only thing that matters is Jesus."
"Take back the pen. God, whatever has to be done, just do it... I want to truly lay this down at your feet. At the level ground where everything stands even. Where the only thing that matters is You. Where You stand above it all. Where they nailed Your hands and feet unnecessarily because Your love for me alone would have kept You there. Where You would do it all again, for me. Jesus, I grant you permission to do as You would with ... every aspect of my life. Help me to truly let go of it all. Show me where I am holding on. Loosen my grip and truly let it fall out of my hand and onto that level ground... Help me to remember that You did so much for me, and what I could ever offer You is so little - even though it is all I have. Truly be my All in All. Help me to let go of it all, so that You can be all. I don't want these to be empty scribbled words on this page, I want to live them. Give me the strength!"
God was faithful! He carried me through all of the situations I was going through then, and paved the way to where I am today... It's so cool to think about how I had no clue what He was up to, yet He is taking care of me in ways I never imagined!
So, currently the problem is not knowing where we are going to live. We have a few apartments we could go look at, if we had "proof of income." We have enough in the bank to pay a security deposit and probably through the summer. If Ben starts working soon, we'll be alright. None of the apartment complexes we have contacted will let us sign a lease without proof of income that equals us making the equivilent of rent for one month in a week's pay. Let's just say that while I am working, I do not make that much money. I get a stipend and the rest of my earnings are in the way of tuition.
I have been struggling to just have faith. I am looking back at these entries in my "I am going to leave this for my grandkids journal." I don't know why I am so faithless sometimes. I am so like the Israelites! I was brought out of the land of opression! I know that I am headed for the land of milk and honey, but I just keep doubting, questioning, not accepting that God works things in His time, not mine! One day I will be doing fine, then I start getting anxious. I haven't had full-fledged anxiety in quite a while, and I sure hope that I can just trust and not get to that point! Like I said the other day to my current supervisor, we don't know where we are going to live, but enough people love us that we wouldn't be homeless! Thank goodness that we do have that luxury. Some don't. It's not the ideal situation, but I think pride often stands in the way of my relationship with God. The only real reason I think I would have about not living with my mom or in a friend's basement, besides there not being enough space, would be my pride.
I will leave you with this, which I wrote after listening to some Chris Rice and staying up all night studying for some exams and then having to get up a few hours later and go to work in the morning. I think I write/think my best stuff when I am sooooo exhausted that I have to just rely on God!!
Awakened by a familiar sound, clumsy fly is buzzing around. Bumps the screen and he tumbles down. Gathers about his wits and pride and tries again for the hundredth time, because freedom calls from the other side and I smile and nod, and slowly fade away. Deep Enough to Dream - Chris Rice
- "God, when things go "bad," help me to never give up. Keep me refreshed with the newness that everyday brings me closer to meeting You, and that freedom that calls from the other side. When I fall, pick me up and brush me off, and keep me on your ways, Lord. Keep me smiling and resting on you alone. Remind me that I'm just that clumsy fly - that I need YOU! HELP ME DEPEND ON YOU ALONE!" - 12/16/03
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