Lookin' up..

So, it seems that so many unfortunate things have happened in the past week. Virginia Tech, the Barton Mines, other things that the news doesn't have time to report. I don't even like to watch the news anymore to be honest with you. It's depressing. What hope is there for something better, just watching the tv and taking in what the news, media, and the world want to give you?

I've been thinking about this Heaven thing we hear about sometimes in church and talk about when someone dies. It seems that a lot of the time we just talk about it to make ourselves feel better, like to get those warm fuzzies. It's like we know the word for it, but do we really believe in it? Do we really put our HOPE in it?

God wants what is best for us, but do we believe it? Do we look around the world we live in and just try to get through the day? Do we wake up in the morning, see our normal surroundings, and think, "this is it, I better get out of bed and make the best of it."? I have gone through places in my life where I just go into survival mode. I feel like I have been there for a while now, and I am sick of it. I remember what it was like being out of my comfort zone, having had maybe an hour or two of sleep, and knowing that things weren't going to stop because I was exhausted. I allowed God to fill me up and I told Him on those days that I knew his grace would sustain me so I could do His work. It felt so comforting to be that close to Him, laughing at things He showed me, and crying with sadness that I hadn't trusted Him or with happiness as I saw something He was doing in someone's life. I'm just not feeling that as much these days, and it is my fault for not trusting and just trying to get things done in my own power.

Well, I am pretty weak. I can't do it like this anymore. I don't even know who reads this, but if you do, know that I have been struggling with this for over a year. I feel like I woke up and I have no idea what is going on around me. I don't want to be in Frostburg anymore. In fact, I think I was telling myself I like it here so that I could get away from the things that hurt to see at home. I am actually hurting more now because I ran here and I can't be at home. I am not saying that god didn't have a plan for me here. I think that maybe He was trying to show me that I need to just be where He wants me to be and be content that He will sustain me. I think just maybe He is telling me that it doesn't matter where I am, because He is always there.

Now, I hate to be this honest with some people, because all they have to say is, "I told you so!" That is the one thing I can't stand about home. I listen to what other people say and tell me to do way too much. If I would have listened to the people around me, there are many things I would have missed that God had for me. As much as I don't like it here, I have to say that God has put some great people into my life here who are awesome Christians. I feel bad, looking back, that I haven't been the biggest encouragement to those around me. I guess when you're in survival mode you don't see much past yourself. I don't ask for criticism, I just ask for prayer that I would be what God has created for me to be. Things are only going to get worse tomorrow than they are today, and I know that there will not be peace until Jesus returns. I guess my prayer today is just that I will get out of survival mode, and back into living life with the hope that my Lord will take care of me. I know it's not about ME at all, but unless I fix my attitude and realign my vision, I am no good to God. This will be an everyday struggle, just as it is for every Christian, but I really want to be of use to God, so I better get on the ball, huh? As I have been seeing here in the past few days, we really don't know how much longer any of us will have.