...even when I can not see!

I want to reflect on some things I wrote back in January of 2004. I was going through several very tough things in my life at that point. God brought me through it all and I am here as a success story and testament to his amazingness.

"I will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day... because I have laid it all down... laid it down where the ground is level. Where everything means nothing... where the only thing that matters is Jesus."

"Take back the pen. God, whatever has to be done, just do it... I want to truly lay this down at your feet. At the level ground where everything stands even. Where the only thing that matters is You. Where You stand above it all. Where they nailed Your hands and feet unnecessarily because Your love for me alone would have kept You there. Where You would do it all again, for me. Jesus, I grant you permission to do as You would with ... every aspect of my life. Help me to truly let go of it all. Show me where I am holding on. Loosen my grip and truly let it fall out of my hand and onto that level ground... Help me to remember that You did so much for me, and what I could ever offer You is so little - even though it is all I have. Truly be my All in All. Help me to let go of it all, so that You can be all. I don't want these to be empty scribbled words on this page, I want to live them. Give me the strength!"

God was faithful! He carried me through all of the situations I was going through then, and paved the way to where I am today... It's so cool to think about how I had no clue what He was up to, yet He is taking care of me in ways I never imagined!

So, currently the problem is not knowing where we are going to live. We have a few apartments we could go look at, if we had "proof of income." We have enough in the bank to pay a security deposit and probably through the summer. If Ben starts working soon, we'll be alright. None of the apartment complexes we have contacted will let us sign a lease without proof of income that equals us making the equivilent of rent for one month in a week's pay. Let's just say that while I am working, I do not make that much money. I get a stipend and the rest of my earnings are in the way of tuition.

I have been struggling to just have faith. I am looking back at these entries in my "I am going to leave this for my grandkids journal." I don't know why I am so faithless sometimes. I am so like the Israelites! I was brought out of the land of opression! I know that I am headed for the land of milk and honey, but I just keep doubting, questioning, not accepting that God works things in His time, not mine! One day I will be doing fine, then I start getting anxious. I haven't had full-fledged anxiety in quite a while, and I sure hope that I can just trust and not get to that point! Like I said the other day to my current supervisor, we don't know where we are going to live, but enough people love us that we wouldn't be homeless! Thank goodness that we do have that luxury. Some don't. It's not the ideal situation, but I think pride often stands in the way of my relationship with God. The only real reason I think I would have about not living with my mom or in a friend's basement, besides there not being enough space, would be my pride.

I will leave you with this, which I wrote after listening to some Chris Rice and staying up all night studying for some exams and then having to get up a few hours later and go to work in the morning. I think I write/think my best stuff when I am sooooo exhausted that I have to just rely on God!!

Awakened by a familiar sound, clumsy fly is buzzing around. Bumps the screen and he tumbles down. Gathers about his wits and pride and tries again for the hundredth time, because freedom calls from the other side and I smile and nod, and slowly fade away. Deep Enough to Dream - Chris Rice



- "God, when things go "bad," help me to never give up. Keep me refreshed with the newness that everyday brings me closer to meeting You, and that freedom that calls from the other side. When I fall, pick me up and brush me off, and keep me on your ways, Lord. Keep me smiling and resting on you alone. Remind me that I'm just that clumsy fly - that I need YOU! HELP ME DEPEND ON YOU ALONE!" - 12/16/03

My old Xanga

I was attempting to paste all of my postings from my www.xanga.com/linzjbee blog to here, but there are just way too many, spanning several years. Have a look there if you want to see it...

You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

So I have this really fun devo. book that I was reminded about yesterday when a girl at work wanted to borrow it to use with her youth at church. The title of the book is: Taming a Liger, Unexpected Spritual Lessons from Napoleon Dynamite - a 24 Piece Set. I was looking through it today after she handed it back to me and I thought I would share one with you... If you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it as well. It's dumb, but you will somehow identify with it, promise.

Chapter 9 - You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

What a way to start a conversation. "I see you're drinking 1 percent. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. you could be drinking whole if you wanted to."

Seriously, Napoleon. What were you thinking? I mean, I know you're all tongue-tied talking to this pretty girl and all, but . . . . seriously. That's the best you can come up with? Come on man.

But the thing is, he was telling the truth.
And he was so "Napoleon" about it.

Can you imagine Napoleon sitting down at Deb's table and opening up with a line like, "So, peanut butter and jelly - it's not tots, but it'll do," or " I haven't seen you around school before; you new here?" or the worst, "Hey, Sweethaeart, my name's Napoleon. What'd you say we go out on friday?"

Not exactly Napoleon style.

Instead, Napoleon was just who he was: clumsy, maladjusted, off-beat Napoleon Dynamite. the character we know and love. He meant noill intent; rather, he was trying to be nice. He was abrupt and blunt, but that's only because he has no tact in the first placce. The point is, his heart was in the right place, and though the words weren't exactly the smoothest they could be, they did do the trick and opened the door to a friendship with Deb.

Napoleon spoke the truth, and he did it in love.

There's a multifacited word: "Love." It has so many connotations, but here we aren't talking about it in the romantic sense but in the "love of our fellow human beings" sense. Napoleon easn't trying to harm Deb, he was trying to pay her a compliment; it just came out wrong. But I think Deb saw the attitude behind it and knew Napoleon wasn't being mean. His heart was in the right place, in a place of love, of caring about her feelings, something he ordinarily isn't very good at.

Back in the times of the early church, the apostle Paul wrote a lot of letters to different churches as a means of keeping everyone on the same page. Many of those letters contribute to the New Testament, and one of them was written to the church at Ephesus.

Here's something to understand about Paul. He was quite Napoleon-like in his ability to be blunt, and many times in his letters he would openly rebuke churches for doing things that were ungodly. He pulled no punches; instead, he knew that honest, open truth was what they needed to hear, as long as they knew he was saying it not as a way of tearing them down but as a way of building them up.

He addressed this letter to the church at Ephesus. He was going on in his long passage, telling themall about building unity within intheir church memebers and how we all have different personalities and tasks God wants us to perform. And then he caps it all off by telling them that to keep themselves from listening to all the little lying voices that would try to lead them astray, they need to talk to each other truthfully, but lovingly (See Ephesians 4:15).

Speak the truth, but do it in love.

You aren't fat, so drink the milk you want to drink.

So how are you about telling people the truth about themselves? Do you hold backwhat you know to be true? Do you offer the truth, but do it in a destructive way in order to build yourself up or make yourself look better?

Imagine if Napoleon hadn't said anything to Deb other than, "I have your stuff in my locker." No mention of her appearance. Deb is obviously nrevous having Napoleon at the table, and she now has no reassurance of what he thnks of her, because he isn't saying anything; he's hiding his true thoughts and feelings for no reason. There's no telling where their relationship would head at that point.

Or let's say Napoleon sits down and says, "I see you're drinking 1 percent. Good thing - you don't want to get fat." He's essentially still saying that Deb isn't "fat." But it's a good thing he avoids that phrasing: his way is much more kind. In my imagined version, he spoke the truthm he said almost the same thing, but subtly implied that Deb isn't desireable to Napoleon if she did get fat. I'm pretty sure Napoleon doesn't want to imply that.

What do you do with the truth? Do you speak it lovingly? Do you speak it at all? We only get one shot at this life; let us not waste our time holding back truths that can help people. Instead, let us speak the truth - and only the truth - and let's do it with a loving heart. We may not always get the words right, but the attitude will be there and the world will see it.

We will be drinking whole.

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love - like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. -Ephesians 4:15

A Time to Love... A Time to Hate...

There is so much I would love to write about this evening, but it's getting late and I have about 7 or 8 interviews tomorrow... I am going mainly for "practice," but who knows where God wants me, so yeah.

Mainly, what I wanted to write about tonight is something that a dear friend of mine, Emily, asked about tonight. She pulled me aside after BSM and said, "listen to this, (reading from the Bible... Ecclesiastes to be exact...) A Time to love and a time to hate. Why does it say this? When is it ok to hate?"

In response, my first thought was to say, well you know maybe it is just saying that we will love and hate, not that it's right, because the passage is talking about a time for everything. Since there were two pastors in the room at the time, she took her question to them, and of course I followed.

Their answers made a little more sense than mine. They pretty much gave the answer that it's like when we're angry and hate something horrible that happens. It does not mean it is ok to hate the person, just what happened. Also, they gave the example of Jesus turning over the tables where people had turned a holy place into a "den of robbers and theives."

I said, so you mean, holy hate? And they pretty much agreed.

So, HOLY HATE? What would this mean you ask? And why on Earth am I blogging about Holy Hate? While thinking about this, I have a few thoughts:

When I am not as close to God, I find that I am able to dismiss many things that are not something God would approve of as simply a choice people make. I will often think about the reactions of some people and accuse them of being too judgemental, i.e. drinking, pre-marital an extra-marital sex, homosexuality, just to name a few. I mean deep down I know that God does not approve of drunkeness and sexual sin, but with it everywhere in the culture and when you're not close to the Lord, it is so easy to just have a "for each his own" attitude. In these cases, I think about this Holy Hate idea, and when I adopt this "to each his own" attitude for myself, I am essentially justifying sin. If it is something that does not make God happy, I should hate that thing. Never hate the person, just hate that which makes God unhappy, those things that He hates.

I have gone through some struggles in the past year and half or so that I never imagined myself in. I knew deep down that I wasn't handling them the right way, but I was on auto-pilot. I was trying to get by and live day to day. Hear that, I was trying to. I, I, I. I was getting myself into things and dealing with unecessary heartache. I think that God hates to see us hurt. I know that God is so many things to us, and so many things we can not understand or comprehend this side of Heaven, but in my heart I know that the part of Him that's a loving Father HATES to see us hurt. I am thinking about this a lot this evening, too. The issues I am having right now are because I am trying to plan out my life. I think that God hates that. He has a plan, He's told me that, and I need to let Him bring it to fruition in my life. Not having faith is a sin, and God hates sin. He loves me, he hates my sin.


Amazing what God can reveal to you through the most unsuspecting verse. And, funny that Emily didn't know there's a Beatles song written from that passage... I feel so old. But seriosuly... I need to open my eyes and heart up to hear and see and know that he has a plan and that in order for me to be happy, I need to love him. I think that hate comes with love. You hate the things that are not pleasing to God, if you love Him. I guess that makes sense... it does to me anyway.

A song that got me thinking tonight and a long-time personal favorite: Strong Tower by Kutless... I love when a familiar song can mean something new and fresh to you when God has a message for you!



When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way

I go running to Your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free

[chorus]
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul



Wow, the words of this song spoke to my heart tonight in the midst of the "stuff" that is going on. The first verse especially... I mean I feel so far from home both figuratively and literally. I feel far from home geographically, and far from God. I know this is because I am trying to do things alone. And the part about my dreams being astray... I am soooo good at planning out my life. I'm not where I pictured myself at all. I have no idea where I am headed... anyway, the song was a comfort. It was a "hang in there, kid" message from my Heavenly Daddy....

I think you're beginning to understand why this blog is called, Random Ramblings, huh? I hope I made some sense...

Lookin' up..

So, it seems that so many unfortunate things have happened in the past week. Virginia Tech, the Barton Mines, other things that the news doesn't have time to report. I don't even like to watch the news anymore to be honest with you. It's depressing. What hope is there for something better, just watching the tv and taking in what the news, media, and the world want to give you?

I've been thinking about this Heaven thing we hear about sometimes in church and talk about when someone dies. It seems that a lot of the time we just talk about it to make ourselves feel better, like to get those warm fuzzies. It's like we know the word for it, but do we really believe in it? Do we really put our HOPE in it?

God wants what is best for us, but do we believe it? Do we look around the world we live in and just try to get through the day? Do we wake up in the morning, see our normal surroundings, and think, "this is it, I better get out of bed and make the best of it."? I have gone through places in my life where I just go into survival mode. I feel like I have been there for a while now, and I am sick of it. I remember what it was like being out of my comfort zone, having had maybe an hour or two of sleep, and knowing that things weren't going to stop because I was exhausted. I allowed God to fill me up and I told Him on those days that I knew his grace would sustain me so I could do His work. It felt so comforting to be that close to Him, laughing at things He showed me, and crying with sadness that I hadn't trusted Him or with happiness as I saw something He was doing in someone's life. I'm just not feeling that as much these days, and it is my fault for not trusting and just trying to get things done in my own power.

Well, I am pretty weak. I can't do it like this anymore. I don't even know who reads this, but if you do, know that I have been struggling with this for over a year. I feel like I woke up and I have no idea what is going on around me. I don't want to be in Frostburg anymore. In fact, I think I was telling myself I like it here so that I could get away from the things that hurt to see at home. I am actually hurting more now because I ran here and I can't be at home. I am not saying that god didn't have a plan for me here. I think that maybe He was trying to show me that I need to just be where He wants me to be and be content that He will sustain me. I think just maybe He is telling me that it doesn't matter where I am, because He is always there.

Now, I hate to be this honest with some people, because all they have to say is, "I told you so!" That is the one thing I can't stand about home. I listen to what other people say and tell me to do way too much. If I would have listened to the people around me, there are many things I would have missed that God had for me. As much as I don't like it here, I have to say that God has put some great people into my life here who are awesome Christians. I feel bad, looking back, that I haven't been the biggest encouragement to those around me. I guess when you're in survival mode you don't see much past yourself. I don't ask for criticism, I just ask for prayer that I would be what God has created for me to be. Things are only going to get worse tomorrow than they are today, and I know that there will not be peace until Jesus returns. I guess my prayer today is just that I will get out of survival mode, and back into living life with the hope that my Lord will take care of me. I know it's not about ME at all, but unless I fix my attitude and realign my vision, I am no good to God. This will be an everyday struggle, just as it is for every Christian, but I really want to be of use to God, so I better get on the ball, huh? As I have been seeing here in the past few days, we really don't know how much longer any of us will have.

A Godly Woman, Indeed.

An amazing woman left this Earth and went to be with Jesus today. She was a daughter, a mother, a wife, a cousin, and friend to so many. She knew what life was all about. This woman was all about telling the world about Jesus! She was going through a rough time with so many physical ailments that she put her hope in the Lord Jesus that He would be her strength. I mean, just read her email footer that went on every single email:

I implore you today to give your heart to Jesus...there is nothing better than knowing that HE intercedes before God on our behalf...calling out our name before God...oh...it doesn't get any sweeter than that!!! May God Turn your hearts and minds towards HIM...

I had been talking to her a lot via email these past few weeks, and it was so inspiring to me that she was in so much pain and had so many problems, yet she magnified Jesus! That's a lesson for us all. She had life figured out. Her sister called me and told me that she was just wanting everyone to pray for the people she had been witnessing to for years, that they would come to know Christ. Thinking about that today and being in the car on the long trek from Frostburg to Aberdeen, I decided to listen to some Jeremy Camp on the iPod. She really liked Jeremy Camp's music... and I do too. This old hymn that he re-did makes me think of her life.... Here are the words:

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,

Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus



I think that if I were asked to sum up her life, I would use this song. We've had been singing it pretty much every week at BSM, so it's been on my mind and heart. I only hope and pray that I can truly live out the words of the song, and truly only want Jesus. Greta was a real inspiration to me, but the most inspirational thing about her is that all the inspiring she did pointed to Jesus, and she was sure to give Him the glory. What an amazing testimony....... and I will leave you again with this:

I implore you today to give your heart to Jesus...there is nothing better than knowing that HE intercedes before God on our behalf...calling out our name before God...oh...it doesn't get any sweeter than that!!! May God Turn your hearts and minds towards HIM...