Random Rambings

Oh how the months go by...

2008-10-08T22:23:00.003-05:00

It's been a while, huh? Just a quick update on my life. I am 23 weeks preggars with our first baby... a little boy! I'm staying busy with work, running to the potty every 15 minutes, taking care of my insatiable man-like appetite, and getting ready for the baby to get here! I never really thought I would be at this point in my life, but it's exciting. Scary, but exciting. People have been doing this for thousands and millions of years, right?

I'm not promising when I will get on here again, but I came across my page that I have been bad about updating and decided you needed something to read for the next however how long until I decide to update again!!

:)

Holy Moley, it's April!

2008-04-19T11:44:00.002-05:00

Time is flying so much more quickly than I can keep track of these days. I think that I just might make it through what seemed to be an endless first year of teaching... HALLELUJAH! Things are, as always, insane as far as that goes.... but the end is in sight!

So, we're staying here in Abingdon at least one more year, which is fine. The thought of moving made me a little bit sick anyway. I kind of like our apartment and being able to open the windows that face the woods! If we would have found something else in Aberdeen or something, chances are there would have been no woods! Also, everything else is a ton more for less utilities paid, and most importantly, less toilets! I think we're good where we are.

I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do about a job for the summer. I'm not really worried about it, since I know I will find something, and I have a few possibilities. I want something flexible so I can relax and enjoy the pool and stuff! ...and maybe be able to take mini-trips and all. I just can't stop thinking about how glorious it will be to not have to work like a dog planning and writing IEPs and stuff!

Soooo yeah... I thought I would put this song on here, since it's on the mix tape (CD) I listened to most of the week on the way to and from work..... Everytime I hear it I think about it more and more.

Is this the strange feeling
Of you working all to good
'Cause I am so confused
I don't even ask for what I should

When I asked for and deserved a stone
You broke and gave your body as bread
And even the stone that dropped down and rolled away
Spoke of the one who bled

There you go working good from my bad
There you go making robes from my rags
There you go melting crowns from my calves
There you go working good of all I have
Till all I have's not that bad

When I asked for and deserved a serpent
You gave a net full of fish
And even the serpent that told the lie
When lifted high foretold the gift

For you so loved the unlovable
That you gave the ineffable
That who so believes the unbelievable
Will gain the unattainable

Or not to move..

2008-03-31T20:20:00.004-05:00

Wow... God's trying to teach us something. Long story short, we're not buying the house anymore.... and I feel good about it. By the grace of God, we were able to get out of it. I sure hope that the current events in Ben's and my life have not occurred because we were disobedient. I told Ben today, "wow, God really didn't want us to buy this place, did He!?" We signed to get out of it, and then all sorts of potential doors started opening... literally all at once. God's so faithful! These past few weeks have been quite a journey. I thought that life was figured out, but here we are ... again ... not knowing what life will be like in the coming months. He's always keeping me on the edge of my seat... He won't let me get comfortable for very long.

:)

Leftovers!

2008-03-25T09:09:00.002-05:00

OK, so I am always finding ways to use leftovers to make something equally as yummy (or in this case more yummy) than the original. I decided that I should start writing this stuff down!

Leftover Grands Biscuit Cinnamon (buns)

Ingredients:
Leftover Grands biscuits (or any rolls or buscuits)
Butter or margerine
Cinnamon
Sugar
Chopped Nuts (optional)

Directions:
Heat the oven to 350F. Slice rolls or biscuits and lay face up in a pan large enough to accommodate all of them. Place pan in oven for a few minutes to warm them. Take the biscuits out and spread some butter or margerine on the open faces. Sprinkle with cinnamon, sugar, and nuts (if desired). Place the pan back into the oven for another few minutes, checking every few minutes to see if the butter or margerine is melted.

Ben looked into the oven and said, EWH, but guess who just finished his third biscuit??? I don't claim that this recipe is healthy, but it's really good!

----

Our House!!!

2008-03-01T23:41:00.001-05:00

So, we found a house! In Aberdeen! So excited... we close/move in mid-May.... YAY!

I deleted the video because someone I don't know posted something about it and that makes me feel weird.

Has it really been that long since I posted?

2008-01-09T19:17:00.000-05:00

Alright, so... here I am! I'm still alive. Work got out of control crazy. It seems to be at a little bit more of a manageable level now, but who knows!

Ben and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary on Dec. 31st! How the heck has a year gone by? It's crazy. We went to Medieval Times for the 9:30 show and it was pretty neat. Neither of us had ever been, so we enjoyed it. Fun. Christmas was good and we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with both of our families... (they shared us) :) So yeah...

We joined the YMCA, so we've been going there and sweating some. I am trying to go everyday, and I have been good so far. We're having a "Biggest Loser" competition at work so hopefully that will keep me going. I won't just continue to be in my big clothes, but I will also keep my team from winning! I'm so glad that they decided to do this, because I needed it!

Well, there is something to occupy you until I have the energy to type more. I am exhausted.

Later.

Fun stuff with some wedding pics...

2007-10-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

I am still pretty thankful for Terri and her amazing photography skills... I downloaded a cool photo editing program, Picasa2, and did some fun stuff to some of the pics... enjoy! (google Picasa2 to get it for yourself!)

The pics..

2007-10-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

Finally... a break!

2007-10-14T18:06:00.000-05:00

Ben and I were talking on Thursday night and decided that we wanted to go somewhere for the weekend. He had off on Friday (lucky) so I left him a "honey, do" list so that we could actually feel okay about going away for the weekend, or part of it. We thought we would go to Frostburg, but when I was on the way to work, "Ocean" by Ten Shekel Shirt came on my iPod! I was like, that's it, we're going to OC. I called him, at like 7:03 and woke him up. He wasn't thrilled to be woken up an hour before his alarm, but he liked the idea of the ocean.

My day was sort of crappy, but I got through it thinking about how amazing it was going to be to be in OC the next day... yay!

I stayed and planned a little bit and then gave up on my to-do list and headed home! I got on the internet to try to find us a hotel but that really didn't help much, so I decided to just start calling around.

We got there Friday night around 9:30 or 10. We put our stuff in our room and then went out on the beach. Ah! The beach. We sat out on the sand for a while and after Ben stopped freaking out that it was dark and he couldn't see anything, we had fun! We went in and hung out for a while then went to sleep.

I woke up at about 7 and was like YESSSSS the beach! I told Ben he didn't have to get up, but that I was going to go out and take some pics. I have some awesome ones, which I will post soon...

I went back in and he was up and sort of dressed. We decided that we wanted to get some breakfast... so began the day of doing "a week at the ocean in one day."

We went to Dough Roller, because Ben wanted to. He got some french toast that was apparently awesome because he sounded like an Herbal Essences commercial when he took his first bite. I had some banana pancakes that were alright...

Then, we went to the boardwalk and rented some fun bikes! I HEART FUN BIKES. (the ones where you're sitting on the ground almost and pedaling with your feet and steering with your hands down by your side) It was soooooooooo much fun!!!

Then, I wanted to go to the Peace Frogs store that I thought was in Rehobeth, but we didn't find it.... it might be there, but oh well. We ended up at the outlets, and I ended up with an Old Navy bag! I found some new pants! I was thrilled. Apparently they re-did their sizes, so I wear a smaller one that before and that makes me happy....

We were sort of hungry so we got a hot dog and then went back to the hotel. Then, we went out on the beach and I worked on my Bible study that I'm doing on Tuesday nights. I was pretty distracted, so I didn't finish, but it was nice to lay out on a sheet in my pajamas and enjoy being at the beach. I went down to the water with Ben and we were amazed at how warm the water still is... Then, we had a Dr. Pepper fight, because we're geeks. We went in and were lazy for a while then got all cleaned up and went to the the Greene Turtle. We were both new to the place, but are pleased to know that there is one in Bel Air! YAY!

After a while, we went back to the board walk and enjoyed it for all of its night time goodness! We stopped by Dumsers and walked really fast, because we decided that if you eat while exercizing you're cancelling the bad effects... (not so sure that's true, but yeah....)

We were pooped from our long day... went back and fell asleep watching TV.... woke up at 7 am and cleaned up and were home in time for church!

It feels like Friday and the crap that went with it was a week or two ago. As Ben said "we really needed this trip!" <-- and I agree!

My life..

2007-10-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

I feel like I either live at school or take a ton of school home with me. I really don't know when it will get any better. Oh well. This is what I went to school for for sooo many years. When I get down I think about that fact. Just when I feel like I will go insane with paperwork or something I am able to help a child and that makes my day sooo much better. Yay!

I really can't wait for Christmas vacation!

Blogger Slacker

2007-10-01T20:01:00.000-05:00

I have been so ridiculously busy since August 20 that I have not even thought about this blog. Sorry. Here is a picture to sum up the way I have been feeling:

Yeah, so since a picture can be worth a thousand words, there you go. :)

Random Pics..

2007-08-05T19:53:00.000-05:00

We finally found the charger for my camera battery. I know, I know.. we moved into the apartment over two months ago! Anyway... for your viewing pleasure, I am posting some of my favorite pictures I took yesterday. I edited them a little bit. I am so glad I have my charger! Now I can take tonnnns more picss!!! <3.

I'm still here!!

2007-07-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

Big apologies to my two loyal readers. I can't believe it's been a month since I blogged. I am finishing up this week with summer school and beginning the inservices and trainings I have to complete for my job this fall. I am so excited to finally be teaching!!! I took a Learning How trip the other day and Ben was with me... He dropped his jaw at the register, and I haven't even begun to do damage yet!! Maybe I shouldn't bring him with me on future trips? :)

I'm so happy to be back in Har. Co. I missed it so badly. I love seeing good friends and family so often. Ummm... Ben and I have been married 7 months today. Yay. I think we are going to celebrate by shopping for random stuff we need at Walmart. How exciting is that? We're already boring and married... awesome!

Alright, well I am alive. Sorry it's been so long.....

Sorry guys...

2007-06-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

OK, so I really haven't had much time to blog lately. I am finishing up my classes next week, so there is a ton of work for those. On Monday of this week, I started working at the Highlands School! I love it so far, but it's just been training. It's been neat to see and hear the different ways they do things! I am adding all kinds of ideas to my figurative "bag of tricks :)" I can't wait for the kiddies to get there.... We got a new car last week, so that's been a relief. The older car isn't getting as much use and I am able to meet up with my friend and carpool most mornings, so we both get to save some gas! My mom's birthday was Wednesday, and my brother's is next Friday... uhhh Ben and I are approaching our 6 month wedding anniversary. Other than that, not much is going on.

Meme? 8 Random Facts about Me!

2007-06-15T21:15:00.000-05:00

Here are eight random facts about me, pretty much one of the most random people you'll ever meet!

1. My husband, Ben, and I have five fish: 3 goldfish named Bertha, SuperTrooper, and Crash Bandicoot AND 2 Bettas: his is Spike and mine is Magma

2. I completely adore the Roloff's and am saddened if I miss Little People Big World on a Monday night when the new episodes are on! And, if I could meet any celebrity, I would choose to spend a day on the Roloff farm chillin' with the fam.... just not during the fall because that trebechet thing scares me!!!

3. I decided to get crafty, and I made five fun polka-dotted pillows for the living room about a month ago! I made a small quilt to match and hung it on the wall. They might not be the most high-quality pieces of work, but dag on it, I made them myself and they are functional... the pillows at least!!

4. For the first 17 years of my life, I thought that my middle name was spelled differently than my mom spelled it on my birth certificate. I started spelling it the legal way, and it didn't go over really well with some of my dad's siblings... I got my own name corrected by them in grad cards and stuff! Give me a break! I didn't spell it that way on my birth certificate, and I was the one who had to deal with the harsh reality, in my late teens, that I had been spelling it wrong my whole life!!! (My mom spelled it Jeanett on my B.C. and I think I spelled it Jeannette growing up.... someone tell me how my grandmother spelled it!?!!) Making this long story short, I dropped it when I got married! No offense to my "name-sake," but the trauma of the spelling made me not so fond of it... It's bad enough people call me LindsAy

5. On the topic of name spellings, whenever I meet another Linds(a)(e)y, I immediately ask if she is an "ey." If she is, I think she is awesome, and if she is an "ay," I secretly think that her parents couldn't spell.... And, when new people are writing my name for the first time, I always spell it!!!

6. I am a little bit of a myspace/facebook/youtube/google addict. I am taking online classes at the moment and how sad is it that the internet distracts me from my internet classes!?

7. I love teaching and tutoring math. Math was my least favorite subject as a kid, and now I love teaching it!! I think it might be because I have learned all kinds of fun ways to teach concepts and I crave the "ah-hah" look on my students' faces, because I rarely had it as a child!!

8. I keep begging Ben to buy me a Nintendo Wii for Christmas. I am not your typical wife.... most of us want diamonds, but I am begging for a video game system! I do argue that it would be awesome when entertaining though! But then think about how crappy it would be if we made friends because of it!

There you go!

to please His Heavenly Father

2007-06-06T12:02:00.000-05:00

ENTRY #2 - Christ Suffered and Died TO PLEASE HIS HEAVENLY FATHER.

As I stated in my last entry, I am going through John Piper's The Passion of Jesus Christ and reflecting a little on each of the reasons he lists for Jesus dying for me, and well, you, too!

This second reason he died was to please His Heavenly Father! The most striking thing about this reason to me is the mention of the "paradox" of the New Testament, or the fact that God pours out wrath, yet loves like no other. The suffering of Jesus was due to the pouring out of wrath for all of the sin of the world, yet the reason for this is love. God loves all of us, as we are His creations, and wants for us to have a way to come to Him in obedience and submission. Obedience and submission are just two of the reasons Jesus went through with His fate of dying on the cross for our sins!

Obedience. Doing what you're told. Submission. Not thinking twice about it, or questioning the one directing you. I believe the two go hand in hand. They're both so hard to follow through on though, if we're really honest.

I have always been one who likes things my way and I usually can figure out how to get things done that way. I have trouble trusting other people, since I have been hurt way too many times in my life. As an adult I still struggle with things that went on my childhood, things that I don't want to drudge up necessarily, but things that really do influence who I am. I've always had to be a go-getter and be the one who made sure I was taken care of. In this, I find that it is extrememly difficult for me to be submissive. I am used to figuring everything out for myself.

This attitude in me needs some altering. I need to remember that God may have given me the brains and wits to figure things out, but I HAVE to look to him and obey what He is telling me. Sometimes I won't be able to figure things out because sometimes God wants to teach me something through the process of waiting on His solution. I have to learn what it means to submit to Him!

I suppose giving up some of my tendency to just get things figured out by myself could be somewhat of an offering to God. I think it would please Him if I would just love Him enough to give up the little stuff, and in all reality the big stuff. If I keep Ephesians 5:2 in mind, which says, "Christ loved us and died for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to the Lord," then I think that in the times where I want to be self sufficient, I can remember that Christ loves me, and I never could have done for myself what He did for me!

Suffering... Where's the Passion?!

2007-06-05T02:11:00.000-05:00

Alright. I had no idea that God would set me up for this one. He's so awesome though, that He works things out before I get to them.

Today has been quite a day. We took the car to get looked at, and found that for now, $80 later that the reason it cut off was that the battery cables were loose and corroded. Nice.

I then had to go steal my sister from work, since she has been having some issues and I really thought she needed to go to the doctor. We were at Patient First for probably at least 3 hours this morning/early AM. Now she has an appointment with a specialist tomorrow, and I am going with her to that as well. Ummm...

I am taking all these crazy classes and everything was pretty much due for this week by midnight Monday. I had put it all off.... typical. So I am plugging away at that.

I get a call from my mom that she had to take my uncle to the ER. At that point they had been sitting there for two hours. Apparently it was extremely busy in there. So, my brother was home alone. For those of us who know his care needs, we know that he can be alone for a little while, but when he needs things that are out of reach, there is a problem. I got over there about 8:00, woke him up for meds, took him some dinner, and said I would stay until my mom got back.

So I am over at my Mom's trying to get things done before the magic cutoff at midnight, and of course her laptop has Windows Vista and the program for my online classes isn't compatible. That was fun, but it worked out. I started to get really worried by midnight, so when I woke up my brother for the midnight round of fun and excitement (yeah... he has to take medicine and take care of things every four hours.. everyday) we decided that I should call Upper Chesapeake. I finally had the operator figure out where they were. Still in the ER. Yeah, they went there riiight after his 3pm doctor's appointment.

I told her to call me in 2 hours, unless she'd be home before that. Well, I heard the door opening a little after 2 and woke up from my "cat nap." Turns out he was still in a holding room because there were no beds, but they are keeping him at least 24 hours because they hooked him up to an EKG. They're running a bunch of tests... he never does well with anything where he has to be away from home.

So, I came home, and Ben's asleep because he is determined that he is going to go to his new job tomorrow. Well, I mean in a few hours :) So yeah. I am wide awake and I decided that instead of tossing and turning or watching TV in bed and keeping him awake, that I would blog.

Which brings me to the whole idea and inspiration for this blog. I picked up a copy of The Passion of Jesus Christ by John Piper on Sunday at church. I had read bits and pieces of it a few years ago when a student in a class I was substituting for at the middle school was telling me about it. I remember it being a pretty good book, so I decided that I wanted to read a reason why he died everyday and reflect and blog a little bit about how that reason affects me and what I am doing about it in my life. I think God was setting me up for a powerful time of trusting in him after my crazy day. I have to be honest and say that I feel very peaceful about all of the things that are flying out of my control, with the health of my family, our only mode of transportation acting up, and just the stress that goes along with all of this. So, I will get to my point:

ENTRY #1 - Christ suffered and died TO ABSORB THE WRATH OF GOD -

The text of this book, and others by John Piper can be found in PDF format at http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/

In summary, this reason for His suffering was to be the propitiation, or substitute for us paying the price for our sin. I remember when I first heard the word propitiation. It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around. If I can quote the text of the book, which is referring to Romans 3:25, "It refers to the removal of God's wrath by providing a substitute. The substitute is provided by God himself. The substitute, Jesus Christ, does not just cancel the wrath; he absorbs it and diverts it from us to himself. God's wrath is just, and it was spent, not withdrawn."

For some reason, after I read that I think about how within science they talk about how energy isn't really created, it's just transferred. The same is true here in a different sort of way. God is always fair and just. He loves us, and went so far as to send His only Son to suffer and bleed and die a horrible death on a cross for sins He never even committed. All of the things we do everyday, including the times when we do not respect God for who He is in light of his wonder. Just as energy never goes away, the fact that our sin needs to be paid for never goes away either. What does go away is the sin of the forgiven. That is a miraculous energy transfer that none of us can comprehend!

This also makes me think about how people get upset that God, even though He is so loving, would allow people to suffer or even further, to spend an eternity apart from Him. I have heard more than enough times, people saying that they are angry with God for what ever trauma they are going through at the moment and how they can't understand how people can say that He loves us when bad things happen in the world, or more specifically to them. Alright, well let's look at it this way. We're all sinners, right? We have all fallen short of God's glory. If He really wanted to be "fair" in the way we see things from a worldly perspective, He could just leave us all here for dead because we make Him mad everyday. He would have every right to just let us suffer, without hope, and bury ourselves in the hole we dig for ourselves. But, He doesn't. He sent His Son, and I still have trouble trying to put my mind around this when I step back and try to look at it from the angle that I want to understand it, not just take it for granted because I hear about it every Sunday morning. He sent HIS SON to suffer on our behalf, even while we are making a fool of Him, not appreciating Him, and selfishly forgetting about Him everyday. His Son took upon Himself the punishment for all of the wrong we do! He gave us the most important and useful gift we will ever be offered. We just need to accept it.

So, next time I hear someone talking about how they just can't believe how God would do "this" to them, I really need to not just stand back and nod or ignore what they are saying. I need to speak up. I need to let people know that while we think we are all suffering here, which we really are in all actuality, that because He paid the penalty for all of the "crap" we do everyday, we don't have to live in suffering forever. We just have to accept that gift of forgiveness, accepting that a designated hitter came in and took care of the punishment part for us.

"In this is love,not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the [wrath absorbing] propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

wow...

2007-06-03T20:10:00.000-05:00

Today was quite a day. I am not really all that affected by it, but it was quite a day nonetheless!

We went to church this morning, car acting fine... things are so different there now, and I LOOOVE it, by the way. Anyway, we got into the car to drive to the Aberdeen Walmart, then home to the apartment, via route 40. We were at the stoplight at the intersection of 40 and W. Bel Air Ave., and as soon as I hit the accelerator to go, the car started to act all crazy. It did it's typical sluggish gear transition, then the battery light came on and the TRAC OFF light came on. I knew I had to get it off the road, because it was spazzing. Thank God I was in the slow lane. I pulled it right into a parked position right by Dee's Florist, and as I did, the steering wheel went dead.... Crazy enough, I seriously didn't panic! I really didn't, I was more like... wow, so I made it off the road before it died... I put it into park, then took the key out. Then, I started it back up and long story short, it's sitting in front of my Mom's. We're having Whitney take us to have it looked at in the morning. Apparently it appears that the problem is electrical now and not with the transmission which is a HUGE relief! We'll see what happens tomorrow!

This is actually funny to me... Last week Ben was aggrevated with me because I was telling him that he needed to be searching for a job closer to home, preferably in Harford County. He was online looking for a while and was getting annoyed because he wasn't finding anything new. I said to him, more matter of factly than I ever really do, "If God doesn't want you going to that job in Hanover, you won't be going." He was due to start there tomorrow, and now it doesn't look like he will be, do to our car situation. He had an interview on Friday with a contracting company on Post. The job pays a lot better and is closer to home. My sister's boyfriend used to work there and sorta got Ben the hook up on an interview. He has to wait for final word, and then needs to wait about a week for his security clearance process to be started... but Lamont thinks he probably has the job.... So, the other night when I kinda wondered where those prophetic words came from, now I think I know.....

I also had a long talk with a good friend I have had for a while today. We had some things come up between us in the past, and I do not think that they were ever truly resolved because of situations we were in before. Things have changed, and we swore to eachother that we would be up front with each other and never let someone come between us again. I feel a lot better and as if a huge weight was lifted from me. I don't know how she feels, but I am hoping that finding out the truth about a few things ends up not hurting her. I worried about telling her the things I did, but I did it with a trust that God would want us to be honest with one another, especially fellow believers. I waited to tell her the things I did, because I sort of had to, but I pray that we'll just learn from the issues that came up.... I know that it's been a hard year and half for me, as far as that goes, but I hope that we are truly headed back down a healthy road.

It's so good to be back home that I can barely stand it. I feel so much freer to be me around the people that know and love me. I couldn't wait to get away, and now I am so thankful to be back. Granted, things are a lot different, but I am so thankful that God got me out of here while He did, and brought me back into a better situation. I know we aren't supposed to look back and remenisse (I KNOW I SPELLED THAT WRONG) about how awesome the "good old days" were, but I am confident that God orchestrated this past year and a half that made no sense to me in order that I would get closer to Him! I needed to stop trusting people and rely on Him to sustain me everyday. I made some stupid choices along the way, but despite my earthliness, God still wants to use me for His good! It's always amazing to me when I can look back at a time when things made no sense in my life and see that God was working his wonders.

I'd get more specific about the situation, but it's a long story and I don't want innocent names brought into this.... just pray about the situation I described, because although I was honest with my friend, I am a little worried about how she is taking what I told her. There is still a lot of healing and forgiving that needs to go on, because of the hurts that were inflicted on us... it's always worse when the people hurting you are supposed to be spiritual leaders... I know we're all people, and we all mess up, but it hurts anyway....

Back to work on these ridiculous classes.................

What a wonderful Thursday...

2007-05-31T09:52:00.001-05:00

It's the last day of May. Our five month anniversary. A Thursday. I guess everyday has something really special about it if we get down to it.

I am taking a break from my mountains of work to do for these online classes. Pretty much the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that at the end of this crash course in Management, there is a Master's degree waiting for me! It's pretty interesting, too, to be able to study some things that are not in my "field." It's neat that I am finding ways to apply the ideas and concepts from these courses that are for people getting their MBA to education and life in general. Neatttoooo.

The day ahead, hmmm... so many things. Ben is out right now seeing if he can find a job closer to home. We are currently sharing my Cavalier that has over 100,000 miles on it. I bought that baby brand new, so it's hard to see it aging. I know I sound like a nerd, but you get attached to a car when you're always driving it. Anyway, the job he accepted and is supposed to start Monday is pretty far from home, and he is expected to use his own vehicle (my baby) to go to job sites. Most of them are in the DC/Northern VA area. Once I got more details about this, I encouraged him to start seriously looking for something closer to home, since it shouldn't be a problem finding SOMETHING. He's frustrated with me, but I've had to make this drive he is going to have to make daily. It's not pretty, not to mention that the car is having some minor transmission troubles. This job will not be compensating us enough for tearing apart our personal vehicle. So, that is one of the things on my mind today..... We are waiting until later in the summer before we buy a new car for me, and quite honestly, I don't want to be making two car payments, so I'm praying that the Cav will survive a little longer.... I'm also praying that he'll find something close to home that he enjoys. I don't want him traveling so far everyday, not just for the car's sake, but for his safety and in the long run, happiness.
There is nothing pretty about rush hour traffic.

I looove being back "home." It's fun that I can IM or call someone and be like, "hey, come over." I had a few good friends in Frostburg, but it wasn't like I could ever just call and be like, hey come over and hang out. I guess I did a few times, but my point is that I love being back!

Well, I guess I need to get back to work. I have some cleaning up to do (trashing boxes) and hanging up some more things, because our pastor is coming to visit this afternoon. He is pretty new, and made it a goal to go visit every single member at their home. I think that is awesome, and something I haven't experienced before. It was funny, we're so not used to this, that Ben was like, "whyyyy is he coming?" It's sad really. But anyway... back to work! Have an awesome Thursday.

Change of Plans...

2007-05-26T21:30:00.001-05:00

I hate it when my plans get changed. I mean, for real, who doesn't? We love to be in control! I, definintely looooove to be in control of everything... isn't that one of the signs of a firstborn?

Alright, so yeah... back to my story. In this post, titled, change of plans, I will attempt to explain why I have only gotten about 4 hours sleep total in the past two nights.

Thursday morning I woke up around 9 and was like, hey Ben... you REALLY need to go out box hunting today, we are moving in less than a week. I was starting to work on materials for my tutoring session that was to be at 4pm. A friend instant messaged me and wanted to go out for lunch. I agreed, and Ben came along. It was a late lunch, and since it was going on a little after 2, I said we needed to get going since I still wasn't ready to go tutor. Our friend Gail drove us back to our apartment, and as we were getting out, Ben's phone rang.

The conversation sounded crazy, and I asked him who was on the other end. He said here, talk to my wife. I KNEW this was going to be a doozy. Pass the phone off on me... goodness... So, I get the phone, and it is a wonderful worker at the leasing office of the apartment complex we were supposed to be moving into on May 31 letting us know that they would be paving the entire parking lot of the complex and that we wouldn't be able to get our moving truck, or any vehicles for that matter, near our building on that day. They are telling us that we must move in early or wait indefinitely to get in....

You say, Lindsey, what is the problem here. Well, I will list them for you:

1. It is Thursday afternoon before Memorial Day weekend.
2. Ben graduates Saturday.
3. We already have Budget truck reservations for May 30-June 1.
4. It's Memorial Day weekend.
5. It's Memorial Day weekend.

I will just sum up about 3 hours of calls on my cell to various places that rent any vehicle large enough to move a small apartment, calls to friends of Ben's to see if we can borrow their trailor, calls to Ben's dad who wouldn't agree to tow the trailor with his truck because of the mountainous terrain. (I have towed this particular trailor, back when I was a lot younger and less experienced as a driver, through VERY mountainous terrain. We drove the whole way to Georgia with it. I had a lot of the shift through some real mountains.) So, don't call my cell phone til June.

Ok, I am tired of this story. I will just say that it's been ridiculous, but Ben graduated, all our stuff is in Abingdon, and I am exhausted. I am tired of telling this crazy story. I will just say though that this girl here can move her whole apartment in less than 48 hours with even less notice than that.

I actually see God's sense of humor in this, in that just the night before all this happened I posted that blog about missing camp. I feel like I have been working camp the past two days. Working like a dog on no sleep. Road tripping, packing like a pro, etc. uhhh...

Oh yeah, and something is wrong with our ONLY car's transmission. Lord help us. We were going to be buying a new car hopefully by the end of the summer, but I don't know if those plans will have to change? We shall see. The transmission isn't doing what it did this morning, but I can say that it's not allowed to make another trip to Frostburg!!! Ugh.

I know this was disjointed and random, but I am soooo tired right now. I am still all wound up though, so it's hard to sleep. AND, this apartment is ridiculous. The neighbors upstairs keep making noises like they're hammering the floors at all hours. PLEASE pray that they will chill out during sleep hours or that God will help me not wake up to it anymore. Uhhh the woes of being a light sleeper.

Well, I think I need to go.

I am soooooo going to miss camp!

2007-05-23T04:02:00.000-05:00

Alright, I know I already posted once at this obnoxious hour, but I started watching stuff on my youtube account, and I saw one of the flashback videos I made two summers ago while I was the video producer on the most awesome Crosspoint team there ever was! OK, enough of that, anyway...

Oh my goodness I am going to miss camp. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, thus far in my life, but it was one of the most worth it. Ohhh... camp.... I... miss.... you.....

Word of God Speak!

2007-05-23T03:29:00.000-05:00

I was reading my cousin Terri's blog. By the way I am thrilled that she has one, and no, not because I am tired all of her emails :) Anyway, this made me think of an awesome time in my life. This is basically the comment I left her. It was just too good not to blog for myself!

I think it is amazing how God, when we are at our extreme lowest, sends us specially personalized encouragements. I was going through a time of depression about four years ago now, and I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone have to go to work and hold it together all day with a ton of kids!

I was on the way to work, listening to the radio, and Mercy Me's, Word of God Speak, was on the radio. The sky was sort of overcast, but a little sunny. It really didn't look like rain. I didn't think much of the song, since it was pretty popular back then...overplayed, ya know? I didn't even pay attention to the words really. I was stuck on my misery... I turned off the car and got out to go into the building, ready for another day of trudging through and wallowing in self pity.

Then, the song came into my head as I walked. "Word of God, speak. Would you pour down like rain," And, wouldn't you know it!? It started seriously POURING DOWN SERIOUS DOWNPOUR RAIN! "Washing my eyes to see, Your majesty. To be still and know, that You're in this place. Please let me stay and rest, in Your holiness. Word of God, speak!"

I instantly felt like God was giving me the go ahead to rest in him! It was all I could do in the joy that filled my soul to not just stand there in the rain in awe. I think I kind of did for a little while. It was a pretty surreal time, one of those ones I always treasure. That was my, "Lindsey, I love you, I am here for you. Have hope!" message that I needed at that moment.

I had hall duty that morning, so I got to stand in the hallway, soaking wet, and greet all of the kids as they came down that particular hallway. They all asked why I was soaking wet. I just smiled. I think I smiled the rest of the day. I couldn't help it. There wasn't a whole lot I could say. It was just what I needed. Thank God for those times! They mean more to us than we can even explain to another person, and that is awesome. They are right to us, from the God who loves us more than anything!!!!

2007-05-22T12:38:00.000-05:00

We're moving in 8 days! Yay! I'm so like a kid when something exciting is happening. I don't think it's all bad, though. Just because I'm adult does not mean I shouldn't get excited about things. I think that one of the most fun things about me is my enthusiasm for even the smallest things. Yeah, I know, enthusiasm about some things is a little overboard... but there is just something wrong if you can't get enthusiastic about sooomething, right? I feel bad for people who aren't enthusiastic about anything, ever. So, I'm like a kid looking forward to Christmas... ready to move in and decorate the muuuch bigger apartment. Praise the Lord!

So, I have some wacky insomnia or something. I have always thought there was something wrong with my circadian rhythm or whatever. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but I can't sleep well unless its between 6am and noon. I stayed up until 6AM! I just wasn't tired. I was bored out of my mind and didn't want to make a lot of noise, because Ben's circadian rhythm must be normal... weirdo. I decided to make a video of our goldfish. Rachel Ray was on in the background. I wasn't paying attention, but her rambling about fish tacos is pretty funny since I am filming my fish. Let's see if I can get it to post, since it's a myspace video...

Fishies

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Did that work? If not, I will youtube it later

Awesome

2007-05-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

Embedding is not allowed, but you HAVE to watch this video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYTIWcXbYfY

I saw this a long time ago, and I just found it on Youtube! It meant a lot to me, and I hope it will to you as well.

Random Smathering of Thoughts and Feelings.

2007-05-17T18:35:00.000-05:00

So many things going on in my brain at the moment. Things are going well, that's for sure. I think sometimes I put myself in a tizzy when there is change coming up. Sometimes I think I worry more when things are going right but changing than I do when things are so-so, but stable. I find myself being here in Frostburg wishing soooooo badly we could just move home already. There are some pretty awesome people here, do not get me wrong. I just miss home. This is a place to be at the moment, not home. "Home" isn't really home either if I look at my life with an eternal standpoint...

I went to an orientation for one of my classes I will be taking online this summer. It's all about Leadership. One thing the teacher talked about was being out of our comfort zone in order to grow. I am actually sort of sad that I won't have this class in a traditional way with him, because he seems like he would be pretty interesting to have for lecture. Anyway, I needed to be reminded about the whole comfort zone idea. I think that for this year I have been out of my comfort zone a little. The adjustment to being here was a little rocky. I've been pretty depressed on and off while I've been here. I've gained weight, and every woman knows that adds to the viscous cycle of being depressed. When you already feel crappy, your jeans being too tight doesn't help things much. Oh the woes of womanhood...

So yeah, comfort zone. I went on a little tangent there. :) I know from the past that God teaches me the most when I am not in my comfort zone. I think that Frostburg started out not being my comfort zone, since I really don't like change too much. I kind of avoided opportunities to hang out with people, for whatever reason. I can recall more than one instance last fall when I turned down invites to go do things. I don't know what my problem was. I can't go back and change things, but I can remember that next time I am in a change situation, and one is quickly approaching, that I need to take advantage of the invites to get involved and make new friends. I know that I will be closer to home, but it will be different.

I know that it might seem that going back where things are familiar would put me right back in my comfort zone, but my roles will be changed in every aspect of when I was there last. I'm "out on my own," not living with my mom anymore. I am a wife. I will be a teacher, not merely someone's assistant. I won't be in school anymore. These are all things that I hoped for when I was trying so hard to get through school. It seems to me that God took me away and is bringing me back there with a new role in life. It's both awesome, because my dreams are coming true, but scary because it's new.

I feel that God has prepared me so well for the things that will be happening here in the near future. I need to trust more and not worry. There is just a lot of emotion that goes into how excited and happy I am to finally have a teaching position!!!! It amazes me that I ended up at a school where I know so many of the teachers and am already familiar with the culture. I guess within the whole comfort zone mentality, I will be at a familiar place but with a new job. I remember how hard it was for me during the time of my life I was there. I was struggling with so many things in my life. I was ready to break off from the familiar things and the role of always being someone's sidekick. People wouldn't let me grow up. I don't mean within the job, but within my life. I was so sick of school. I just wanted to be done. It seems like it was so long ago, I think because of how different I am as a person. It was interesting to me as I interviewed that I was able to give answers that included my ability to see the big picture. I was a "little" person. I worked my way up.... I get to see things from so many perspectives. It's so neat to go back where I came from, a different person. And, despite my new roles and changes, people will still call me Lindsey Bennett! :) <--- which now is kinda like my mom yelling "LINDSEY JEANETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'll deal though.

So, ugggh I need to stir up the motivation to get these assignments done for one of my classes. The term doesn't start until May 29th, but since we are moving that week and I have 3 classes all together, I am wanting to finish most of this class in the next week. It's interesting stuff, I'm just not in the thinking mode at the minute. I also have this crazy pillow project going on. I couldn't find any pillows I liked for our living room at the new place, so I got some fun fabric... and I am putting those sewing skills my mama instilled in me to use!!

Wow, I am so random. I think I really might have a touch of ADD. I am so serious. I took the online adult ADD screening a while back and I had most of the warning signs. Oh well. I think it helps me better understand my students! :) Later alligators!

Thanks God, and good night.

2007-05-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah... so a few of you are on to my big secret! Ben and I both have jobs and we're moving to Abingdon! (I couldn't have asked for a better job, quite honestly....good things come to those who wait.... I know and love the school, and although I won't know many of the kiddies, I am SOOO excited to work with the teachers again, and get to know the new youngins!) I won't post everything up in cyberspace, but if you want the details, email meee! We are also officially moving into our apartment on May 31, since they ran our credit and criminal background checks and we're good to go. (I knew we would be, but I get freaked about about that stuff. I used to get all A's in elementary school and be scared to death when report cards came out that I would fail. Yeah, I can be slightly eccentric!) I am pretty excited. God is amazing. More blogging to come, but for now... I am sleepy and ready to go to bed. Nighty nighters!!

Random Fun.

2007-05-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

I found this in my YouTube account... I made it over a year and a half ago. Enjoy..

Lindsey, just be patient!

2007-05-09T10:52:00.000-05:00

I am waiting and waiting by my cell phone to see if I end up getting any calls back after my marathon of interviews on Monday. I feel pretty good about at least 2 of the 9, since I knew the principals. I'm sure the others went well, too, but yeah.... So I'm just waiting. Trying to be patient and remember that it might take some time for things to end up in the right place at the right time, etc. So, I will update you when I know!

My walk to work...

2007-05-03T11:26:00.000-05:00

today's amazing.

2007-05-01T12:41:00.000-05:00

Nothing too special going on today... just realizing some different things, slowly... but surely. I got a call back from Howard County today and they want me to update things so that they can go forward with an open contract! Baltimore City gave me one last week and I have until the end of May to decide. Charles County wants me, bad. I want to live close to my family. I have struggled this entire year wondering what else I should have done last May in order to get into Harford. I get compliments on how amazing my references are, how great my GPA is, how awesome my portfolio is. I interview like a pro. Why in the world did I not get a job where I wanted to last year???? I spoke with a wise and trusted friend today who reminded me that "things didn't work out with Harford County last year, because even though they think they were in charge, God was! He wanted you in Frostburg, He wanted you to get married, and He wanted you to get your Master's done. Don't rule out Harford County until you've had your big interview day on Monday!" So, again, I am reminded that GOD HAS BIGGER PLANS......

This also brings to mind something another wise person says, "God is not impressed with your resume." It's NOT about me. And, besides, God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called!!!! The more I need Him, the better off I am.

I am sitting here at work, getting some work done for classes.... I have the iPod on... despite all the confusion, this song came on, and I want to stop worrying about my trivial stuff... everytime I hear this song, I have so much peace and I am reminded of REALITY... Here are the lyrics, it's such a pretty song, so if you haven't heard it, buy the CD... its AMAZING praise music....

How Great You Are - Phillips, Craig, and Dean

A thousand sparkling stars upon a midnight summer sky
The majesty and wonder of the ocean's endless tide
And the more I see, the more I can't explain
How the One who set the world in place could even know my name
And, I'm amazed. I'm so amazed.

How great You are, how small I am.
How awesome is Your mighty hand.
And I am captured by the wonder of it all.
And I will offer all my praise, with all my heart, for all my days.
How great You are. How great You are. How great You are.

A million snowflakes gently fall, yet no two are the same.
The colors fill the canvas of the seasons as they change.
And everywhere I look, I see Your hand.
Why you would love someone like me, I'll never understand.
And, I'm amazed. I'm so amazed.

How great You are, how small I am.
How awesome is Your mighty hand.
And I am captured by the wonder of it all.
And I will offer all my praise, with all my heart, for all my days.
How great You are. How great You are. How great You are.

How great You are, how small I am.
How awesome is Your mighty hand.
And I am captured by the wonder of it all.
And I will offer all my praise, with all my heart, for all my days.
How great You are. How great You are. How great You are.

How great You are, how small I am!

...even when I can not see!

2007-04-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

I want to reflect on some things I wrote back in January of 2004. I was going through several very tough things in my life at that point. God brought me through it all and I am here as a success story and testament to his amazingness.

"I will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day... because I have laid it all down... laid it down where the ground is level. Where everything means nothing... where the only thing that matters is Jesus."

"Take back the pen. God, whatever has to be done, just do it... I want to truly lay this down at your feet. At the level ground where everything stands even. Where the only thing that matters is You. Where You stand above it all. Where they nailed Your hands and feet unnecessarily because Your love for me alone would have kept You there. Where You would do it all again, for me. Jesus, I grant you permission to do as You would with ... every aspect of my life. Help me to truly let go of it all. Show me where I am holding on. Loosen my grip and truly let it fall out of my hand and onto that level ground... Help me to remember that You did so much for me, and what I could ever offer You is so little - even though it is all I have. Truly be my All in All. Help me to let go of it all, so that You can be all. I don't want these to be empty scribbled words on this page, I want to live them. Give me the strength!"

God was faithful! He carried me through all of the situations I was going through then, and paved the way to where I am today... It's so cool to think about how I had no clue what He was up to, yet He is taking care of me in ways I never imagined!

So, currently the problem is not knowing where we are going to live. We have a few apartments we could go look at, if we had "proof of income." We have enough in the bank to pay a security deposit and probably through the summer. If Ben starts working soon, we'll be alright. None of the apartment complexes we have contacted will let us sign a lease without proof of income that equals us making the equivilent of rent for one month in a week's pay. Let's just say that while I am working, I do not make that much money. I get a stipend and the rest of my earnings are in the way of tuition.

I have been struggling to just have faith. I am looking back at these entries in my "I am going to leave this for my grandkids journal." I don't know why I am so faithless sometimes. I am so like the Israelites! I was brought out of the land of opression! I know that I am headed for the land of milk and honey, but I just keep doubting, questioning, not accepting that God works things in His time, not mine! One day I will be doing fine, then I start getting anxious. I haven't had full-fledged anxiety in quite a while, and I sure hope that I can just trust and not get to that point! Like I said the other day to my current supervisor, we don't know where we are going to live, but enough people love us that we wouldn't be homeless! Thank goodness that we do have that luxury. Some don't. It's not the ideal situation, but I think pride often stands in the way of my relationship with God. The only real reason I think I would have about not living with my mom or in a friend's basement, besides there not being enough space, would be my pride.

I will leave you with this, which I wrote after listening to some Chris Rice and staying up all night studying for some exams and then having to get up a few hours later and go to work in the morning. I think I write/think my best stuff when I am sooooo exhausted that I have to just rely on God!!

Awakened by a familiar sound, clumsy fly is buzzing around. Bumps the screen and he tumbles down. Gathers about his wits and pride and tries again for the hundredth time, because freedom calls from the other side and I smile and nod, and slowly fade away. Deep Enough to Dream - Chris Rice

- "God, when things go "bad," help me to never give up. Keep me refreshed with the newness that everyday brings me closer to meeting You, and that freedom that calls from the other side. When I fall, pick me up and brush me off, and keep me on your ways, Lord. Keep me smiling and resting on you alone. Remind me that I'm just that clumsy fly - that I need YOU! HELP ME DEPEND ON YOU ALONE!" - 12/16/03

My old Xanga

2007-04-26T19:37:00.000-05:00

I was attempting to paste all of my postings from my www.xanga.com/linzjbee blog to here, but there are just way too many, spanning several years. Have a look there if you want to see it...

You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

2007-04-26T11:25:00.000-05:00

So I have this really fun devo. book that I was reminded about yesterday when a girl at work wanted to borrow it to use with her youth at church. The title of the book is: Taming a Liger, Unexpected Spritual Lessons from Napoleon Dynamite - a 24 Piece Set. I was looking through it today after she handed it back to me and I thought I would share one with you... If you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it as well. It's dumb, but you will somehow identify with it, promise.

Chapter 9 - You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

What a way to start a conversation. "I see you're drinking 1 percent. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. you could be drinking whole if you wanted to."

Seriously, Napoleon. What were you thinking? I mean, I know you're all tongue-tied talking to this pretty girl and all, but . . . . seriously. That's the best you can come up with? Come on man.

But the thing is, he was telling the truth.
And he was so "Napoleon" about it.

Can you imagine Napoleon sitting down at Deb's table and opening up with a line like, "So, peanut butter and jelly - it's not tots, but it'll do," or " I haven't seen you around school before; you new here?" or the worst, "Hey, Sweethaeart, my name's Napoleon. What'd you say we go out on friday?"

Not exactly Napoleon style.

Instead, Napoleon was just who he was: clumsy, maladjusted, off-beat Napoleon Dynamite. the character we know and love. He meant noill intent; rather, he was trying to be nice. He was abrupt and blunt, but that's only because he has no tact in the first placce. The point is, his heart was in the right place, and though the words weren't exactly the smoothest they could be, they did do the trick and opened the door to a friendship with Deb.

Napoleon spoke the truth, and he did it in love.

There's a multifacited word: "Love." It has so many connotations, but here we aren't talking about it in the romantic sense but in the "love of our fellow human beings" sense. Napoleon easn't trying to harm Deb, he was trying to pay her a compliment; it just came out wrong. But I think Deb saw the attitude behind it and knew Napoleon wasn't being mean. His heart was in the right place, in a place of love, of caring about her feelings, something he ordinarily isn't very good at.

Back in the times of the early church, the apostle Paul wrote a lot of letters to different churches as a means of keeping everyone on the same page. Many of those letters contribute to the New Testament, and one of them was written to the church at Ephesus.

Here's something to understand about Paul. He was quite Napoleon-like in his ability to be blunt, and many times in his letters he would openly rebuke churches for doing things that were ungodly. He pulled no punches; instead, he knew that honest, open truth was what they needed to hear, as long as they knew he was saying it not as a way of tearing them down but as a way of building them up.

He addressed this letter to the church at Ephesus. He was going on in his long passage, telling themall about building unity within intheir church memebers and how we all have different personalities and tasks God wants us to perform. And then he caps it all off by telling them that to keep themselves from listening to all the little lying voices that would try to lead them astray, they need to talk to each other truthfully, but lovingly (See Ephesians 4:15).

Speak the truth, but do it in love.

You aren't fat, so drink the milk you want to drink.

So how are you about telling people the truth about themselves? Do you hold backwhat you know to be true? Do you offer the truth, but do it in a destructive way in order to build yourself up or make yourself look better?

Imagine if Napoleon hadn't said anything to Deb other than, "I have your stuff in my locker." No mention of her appearance. Deb is obviously nrevous having Napoleon at the table, and she now has no reassurance of what he thnks of her, because he isn't saying anything; he's hiding his true thoughts and feelings for no reason. There's no telling where their relationship would head at that point.

Or let's say Napoleon sits down and says, "I see you're drinking 1 percent. Good thing - you don't want to get fat." He's essentially still saying that Deb isn't "fat." But it's a good thing he avoids that phrasing: his way is much more kind. In my imagined version, he spoke the truthm he said almost the same thing, but subtly implied that Deb isn't desireable to Napoleon if she did get fat. I'm pretty sure Napoleon doesn't want to imply that.

What do you do with the truth? Do you speak it lovingly? Do you speak it at all? We only get one shot at this life; let us not waste our time holding back truths that can help people. Instead, let us speak the truth - and only the truth - and let's do it with a loving heart. We may not always get the words right, but the attitude will be there and the world will see it.

We will be drinking whole.

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love - like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. -Ephesians 4:15

A Time to Love... A Time to Hate...

2007-04-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

There is so much I would love to write about this evening, but it's getting late and I have about 7 or 8 interviews tomorrow... I am going mainly for "practice," but who knows where God wants me, so yeah.

Mainly, what I wanted to write about tonight is something that a dear friend of mine, Emily, asked about tonight. She pulled me aside after BSM and said, "listen to this, (reading from the Bible... Ecclesiastes to be exact...) A Time to love and a time to hate. Why does it say this? When is it ok to hate?"

In response, my first thought was to say, well you know maybe it is just saying that we will love and hate, not that it's right, because the passage is talking about a time for everything. Since there were two pastors in the room at the time, she took her question to them, and of course I followed.

Their answers made a little more sense than mine. They pretty much gave the answer that it's like when we're angry and hate something horrible that happens. It does not mean it is ok to hate the person, just what happened. Also, they gave the example of Jesus turning over the tables where people had turned a holy place into a "den of robbers and theives."

I said, so you mean, holy hate? And they pretty much agreed.

So, HOLY HATE? What would this mean you ask? And why on Earth am I blogging about Holy Hate? While thinking about this, I have a few thoughts:

When I am not as close to God, I find that I am able to dismiss many things that are not something God would approve of as simply a choice people make. I will often think about the reactions of some people and accuse them of being too judgemental, i.e. drinking, pre-marital an extra-marital sex, homosexuality, just to name a few. I mean deep down I know that God does not approve of drunkeness and sexual sin, but with it everywhere in the culture and when you're not close to the Lord, it is so easy to just have a "for each his own" attitude. In these cases, I think about this Holy Hate idea, and when I adopt this "to each his own" attitude for myself, I am essentially justifying sin. If it is something that does not make God happy, I should hate that thing. Never hate the person, just hate that which makes God unhappy, those things that He hates.

I have gone through some struggles in the past year and half or so that I never imagined myself in. I knew deep down that I wasn't handling them the right way, but I was on auto-pilot. I was trying to get by and live day to day. Hear that, I was trying to. I, I, I. I was getting myself into things and dealing with unecessary heartache. I think that God hates to see us hurt. I know that God is so many things to us, and so many things we can not understand or comprehend this side of Heaven, but in my heart I know that the part of Him that's a loving Father HATES to see us hurt. I am thinking about this a lot this evening, too. The issues I am having right now are because I am trying to plan out my life. I think that God hates that. He has a plan, He's told me that, and I need to let Him bring it to fruition in my life. Not having faith is a sin, and God hates sin. He loves me, he hates my sin.

Amazing what God can reveal to you through the most unsuspecting verse. And, funny that Emily didn't know there's a Beatles song written from that passage... I feel so old. But seriosuly... I need to open my eyes and heart up to hear and see and know that he has a plan and that in order for me to be happy, I need to love him. I think that hate comes with love. You hate the things that are not pleasing to God, if you love Him. I guess that makes sense... it does to me anyway.

A song that got me thinking tonight and a long-time personal favorite: Strong Tower by Kutless... I love when a familiar song can mean something new and fresh to you when God has a message for you!

When I wander through the desert
And I'm longing for my home
All my dreams have gone astray
When I'm stranded in the valley
And I'm tired and all alone
It seems like I've lost my way

I go running to Your mountain
Where your mercy sets me free

[chorus]
You are my strong tower
Shelter over me
Beautiful and mighty
Everlasting King
You are my strong tower
Fortress when I'm weak
Your name is true and holy
And Your face is all I seek

In the middle of my darkness
In the midst of all my fear
You're my refuge and my hope
When the storm of life is raging
And the thunder's all I hear
You speak softly to my soul

Wow, the words of this song spoke to my heart tonight in the midst of the "stuff" that is going on. The first verse especially... I mean I feel so far from home both figuratively and literally. I feel far from home geographically, and far from God. I know this is because I am trying to do things alone. And the part about my dreams being astray... I am soooo good at planning out my life. I'm not where I pictured myself at all. I have no idea where I am headed... anyway, the song was a comfort. It was a "hang in there, kid" message from my Heavenly Daddy....

I think you're beginning to understand why this blog is called, Random Ramblings, huh? I hope I made some sense...

Lookin' up..

2007-04-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

So, it seems that so many unfortunate things have happened in the past week. Virginia Tech, the Barton Mines, other things that the news doesn't have time to report. I don't even like to watch the news anymore to be honest with you. It's depressing. What hope is there for something better, just watching the tv and taking in what the news, media, and the world want to give you?

I've been thinking about this Heaven thing we hear about sometimes in church and talk about when someone dies. It seems that a lot of the time we just talk about it to make ourselves feel better, like to get those warm fuzzies. It's like we know the word for it, but do we really believe in it? Do we really put our HOPE in it?

God wants what is best for us, but do we believe it? Do we look around the world we live in and just try to get through the day? Do we wake up in the morning, see our normal surroundings, and think, "this is it, I better get out of bed and make the best of it."? I have gone through places in my life where I just go into survival mode. I feel like I have been there for a while now, and I am sick of it. I remember what it was like being out of my comfort zone, having had maybe an hour or two of sleep, and knowing that things weren't going to stop because I was exhausted. I allowed God to fill me up and I told Him on those days that I knew his grace would sustain me so I could do His work. It felt so comforting to be that close to Him, laughing at things He showed me, and crying with sadness that I hadn't trusted Him or with happiness as I saw something He was doing in someone's life. I'm just not feeling that as much these days, and it is my fault for not trusting and just trying to get things done in my own power.

Well, I am pretty weak. I can't do it like this anymore. I don't even know who reads this, but if you do, know that I have been struggling with this for over a year. I feel like I woke up and I have no idea what is going on around me. I don't want to be in Frostburg anymore. In fact, I think I was telling myself I like it here so that I could get away from the things that hurt to see at home. I am actually hurting more now because I ran here and I can't be at home. I am not saying that god didn't have a plan for me here. I think that maybe He was trying to show me that I need to just be where He wants me to be and be content that He will sustain me. I think just maybe He is telling me that it doesn't matter where I am, because He is always there.

Now, I hate to be this honest with some people, because all they have to say is, "I told you so!" That is the one thing I can't stand about home. I listen to what other people say and tell me to do way too much. If I would have listened to the people around me, there are many things I would have missed that God had for me. As much as I don't like it here, I have to say that God has put some great people into my life here who are awesome Christians. I feel bad, looking back, that I haven't been the biggest encouragement to those around me. I guess when you're in survival mode you don't see much past yourself. I don't ask for criticism, I just ask for prayer that I would be what God has created for me to be. Things are only going to get worse tomorrow than they are today, and I know that there will not be peace until Jesus returns. I guess my prayer today is just that I will get out of survival mode, and back into living life with the hope that my Lord will take care of me. I know it's not about ME at all, but unless I fix my attitude and realign my vision, I am no good to God. This will be an everyday struggle, just as it is for every Christian, but I really want to be of use to God, so I better get on the ball, huh? As I have been seeing here in the past few days, we really don't know how much longer any of us will have.

A Godly Woman, Indeed.

2007-04-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

An amazing woman left this Earth and went to be with Jesus today. She was a daughter, a mother, a wife, a cousin, and friend to so many. She knew what life was all about. This woman was all about telling the world about Jesus! She was going through a rough time with so many physical ailments that she put her hope in the Lord Jesus that He would be her strength. I mean, just read her email footer that went on every single email:

I implore you today to give your heart to Jesus...there is nothing better than knowing that HE intercedes before God on our behalf...calling out our name before God...oh...it doesn't get any sweeter than that!!! May God Turn your hearts and minds towards HIM...

I had been talking to her a lot via email these past few weeks, and it was so inspiring to me that she was in so much pain and had so many problems, yet she magnified Jesus! That's a lesson for us all. She had life figured out. Her sister called me and told me that she was just wanting everyone to pray for the people she had been witnessing to for years, that they would come to know Christ. Thinking about that today and being in the car on the long trek from Frostburg to Aberdeen, I decided to listen to some Jeremy Camp on the iPod. She really liked Jeremy Camp's music... and I do too. This old hymn that he re-did makes me think of her life.... Here are the words:

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus
Give me Jesus,

Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

I think that if I were asked to sum up her life, I would use this song. We've had been singing it pretty much every week at BSM, so it's been on my mind and heart. I only hope and pray that I can truly live out the words of the song, and truly only want Jesus. Greta was a real inspiration to me, but the most inspirational thing about her is that all the inspiring she did pointed to Jesus, and she was sure to give Him the glory. What an amazing testimony....... and I will leave you again with this:

I implore you today to give your heart to Jesus...there is nothing better than knowing that HE intercedes before God on our behalf...calling out our name before God...oh...it doesn't get any sweeter than that!!! May God Turn your hearts and minds towards HIM...

So I thought I would start anew..

2006-11-20T13:31:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I did the Xanga thing for a few years, ehh. I did the Myspace thing... eh...

We'll see what I think about this.

So life's been pretty steady, yet insane lately. With the wedding coming up New Year's Eve, Grad School, etc. etc. ...

I thought that I would just "blog" about some things I am thankful for in my life. (Don't you love how "blog" has become a verb? It would have been a nonsense word not too long ago, but now nobody says "what?"

Things I am thankful for:

My brother being home, FINALLY! I am so thankful that God has taken care of him, and will continue to. I praise God because He is sooooooo faithful!
I am thankful for having Ben! He has been the hugest blessing in my life. He is definitely one of the bestest presents God ever gave me! And, I get to marry him sooooo soon!
I am thankful that things have worked out and that every worry I had about moving out here to Frostburg was not necessary. God took care of it all. I look back on how stressed out I was in the Spring about finding a job and stuff, and I say hmmmm... maybe because I was supposed to be out here. Amazing how God works, huh?
On that note, I am thankful that I am able to get a really good head start on my Master's before I take on a teaching job! I won't be completely done by the beginning of next school year, but I should be done by the end of it..... fulfilling a dream I never even had a chance to dream about.... Again, wonderful how God works!!
I am thankful that I live in a country where I am allowed to have the freedom to do the things I take for granted every day... I am thankful for the ability I have to exercise this freedom... for the ability to breathe, for nourishment, shelter... These are things some people don't have.
I am thankful for the time I am going to be able to spend with my family this week! I never would have been excited about that in the past, but things have really been put into perspective for me. I take so much for granted.... Hopefully that is starting to change.
And, I would be amiss if I failed to mention that I am extremely thankful and forever endebted to God for granting me grace every single day. Also, I take that for granted most of the time, too. I think I need to work on that.

Well, hopefully I will get on here and post enough to make this worth it. Hope you're having a fantastic day, and maybe I will see y0u around these parts tomorrow or something....